fearless first graders!

well, not exactly fearless.  but first graders sallying forth, fears be damned!  i'm not gonna name names or anything, but a certain someone has been IN PIECES for a couple of days in anticipation of the start of first grade.  it seems the first grade teacher filled in once for their kindergarten teacher last year, and my sweet perfectionist (oops, gave it away - it's zanna) was scolded for talking in class.  scolded by the first grade teacher when she was a kindergartner.  made an impression.  as september drew nearer, i didn't understand her intense anxiety around starting school.  a couple of weeks ago i got clear that her issue was with her chinese teacher.  when i asked, all i could get from her was, "i see her talking to kids in the hall and their faces are red."  so with terrible trepidation, we marched onward toward the start of the school year.  some pre-game jitters are fair for any almost-first-grader in august, but i've been up in the night with a child who was up in the night sick with worry.  i think i came to dread this morning more than she did.  but i guess she was effectively working through all of it.  because when the time came to leave the house, this is the pair i hurried into the car.

i met them at 2:30 when the bell rang and begged them for the "after" to put with the "before" picture.  esme flatly refused.  clearly, she had done enough of what other people asked of her for one day.  zanna obliged, though.  i've long believed that facing your fears makes you more beautiful.  and check her out:

on the way home i worked them over for the full report.  i said at the very least, i had to know what the best and worst part of the day had been for each of them.

best part for both: "meeting my new teachers"

worst for esme: "sitting still.  ESPECIALLY my feet.  it made me have to keep moving my head a lot all day."

worst for zanna: "that we don't get homework until next week."

there you have it.  oh, and when i asked how first grade is different from kindergarten?  i was informed that in first grade you can't cry in class anymore.  the teacher told them so.  at least when i was a kid, crying in class became customary again around 6th grade, but we'll see.  they do lots of things differently now.

damn cables

how is it that i've got 17 cables in my desk drawer - each with a USB jack at one end and some one-of-a-kind jack at the other?  i swear those things are like fingerprints.  or snowflakes.  i've lost the cable that lets my camera and my computer talk to each other.  i don't know what fully 14 of the 17 cables in the desk drawer do, but i know that none of them connect my camera to my computer.  i've tried all of them.  like, 3 times.

so, no pictures of my lovely children right now.  hundreds are stuck in my camera since my last post.  but i'll share yesterday's highlight and let you imagine the scene yourself.  i was in mama heaven on the drive to ballet class when i heard this exchange going on in the back seat:

zanna: "esme, i love you."
esme: "what?"
z: "i love you."
e: "why?"
z: (laughing, and with the sweetest tone i've heard her use with her sister) "i just DO."
e: "cool.  i love you, too."

they went on looking out the window and eating their snacks.  i sat in the front all weepy behind my sunglasses and wishing i had a tape recorder.  i don't.  but i have a blog.

little miracles

if any single message is written on the hearts of my children through my parenting, i want it to be "who you are is beautiful."

i believe esme is capable of at least hearing that now.  and i rejoice.

in the last 4 days

esme spent time with her favorite horse, zanna danced in her ballet school's production of the nutcracker, we went to zoolights, and cut down this year's christmas tree. the kids have held up beautifully. even in my exhaustion, i'm giddy with anticipation of esme's 2nd christmas in our family. i hope it's not a silly christmas fantasy that we'll build fires, sip cocoa, sing together, and make time stand perfectly still just a little between now and january.

mickey is the best horse in the whole world.
i'm sure of it.

esme loves him so.

sometimes i'm stunned by what i see in photos.
and my goodness, she's growing up.

zanna and her buddy june - russian dancers in the nutcracker.

waiting in the dressing room to go on.

looking at lights out past our bedtime

so happy to hunt for trees that she's dancing

they're all dancing.

zanna working hard with beth, ama and angela looking on

is it time for hot cocoa yet?

oliver hoping not to be seen, i think.

finally.  cocoa.

deck the halls

here comes christmas.  i'm not ready, of course.  i'm not sweating it, either.  a closely held tradition in my family of origin is mocking me for my laid back approach.  every year at least once there's the ritual telling of the story about how i once brought christmas gifts to the southland when i visited in july. you know, christmas gifts from christmas past. 

but this year i'm in the spirit a smidge earlier on account of my christmas radio addiction... let's say, habit.  so much christmas music has gone beyond setting up this seasonal sound track in my brain that seems to be playing even in my sleep now (what have i done?), it has persuaded me that the character of christmas music isn't exactly what it's commonly perceived to be. 

don't most of us think of christmas music as ranking super-high on the feelgood scale?  well, listen again.  after weeks of the stuff every time i'm in the car or cleaning house, i'm pretty sure most of it falls into 1 of 3 categories: frantic, despairing, or unapologetic corn.  are there exceptions?  sure.  a few.  religious songs don't always follow the pattern.  but even lots of those that are meant to be hopeful have what sounds like a rather hopeless tone if you just listen to the music.  try it.  choose one that doesn't sound frantic or corny and hum it.

so get out there and do what you need to do to celebrate the season.  but may i suggest that you organize your christmas music collection according to listener impact and play it accordingly.  no "we three kings" or "i'll be home for christmas" when you're trying to find the perfect gift for your impossible cousin - you might end up in tears in the department store.  that's never good.  no "here comes santa claus", "jingle bells", or "12 days of christmas" at the end of an exhausting december day - you want to sleep at night, yes?  and the corny stuff won't hurt you, but give yourself a limit and stick to it.  too much candy makes you sick. 

gratitude is good for the heart

also good for the heart?  adventuring children, easy-going dogs, and sunny november walks in the woods.  oliver, esme, zanna and moxie rose sure did their part.  my heart is full. 

happy thanksgiving.

zanna woke up insisting that i get some supplies out so she could make placecards for our thanksgiving meal.
a veritable army of turkeys.

can't count the things i'm thankful for.  but every time i try, this beautiful, incomparable family of mine eclipses all else.  humbled by the blessing.